Sunday, March 27, 2011

I Confess

Posted by Teresa at 4:55 PM
For although they knew God, they neither glorified
him as God nor gave thanks to him, but their
thinking became futile and their foolish hearts were
darkened.


I don't like confessional blogging. It makes me uncomfortable
when people pour themselves online. But I feel like I have an
important story to tell and I don't know what other format
to tell in. So I am about to do what I don't like.

I have struggled with depression about my whole life but last
year it hit really hard. Harder than any time before. It was
the lowest point of my life so far. I've always wrestled with
depression but the fact that I was also dealing with finding
a job and loneliness. I let negative thoughts control me. This
is a sample of what I wrote in my journal when I hit rock
bottom:
Shame is written all over my face. Every part of me
wants to wither and die. I don't want to live another
day of this sad and pathetic life. I pray to God for
answers but I receive none. Why Lord are you
ignoring my petitions.

I need You more than ever to save me. I'm dying from
the inside out.

I have no more dreams or hopes anymore. They are
all gone.
I was hurting really bad. I wanted to give up. But God didn't
give up on me. I learned from Him that I needed to grateful.
God has given me so much. I never go a day without a meal.
I have supportive family and friends but it wasn't enough.
I was ungrateful. Someone with an ungrateful heart will never
be happy or pleased. I was asking God to change my situation
but I needed to ask Him was to change my heart to a thankful
one. Being thankful literally saved my life.

I thank God everyday now. He is a good God. I have hope
now. I have something to look forward to. There is a reason
why I am alive and it is He.

I know in the Christian community we can oftentimes look down
on melancholy. Christians aren't supposed to be unhappy.
Guess what? Christians suffer from depression and anxiety
too like everyone else.

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