I Confess

For although they knew God, they neither glorified

him as God nor gave thanks to him, but their

thinking became futile and their foolish hearts were

darkened.

Romans 1:21

I don't like confessional blogging. It makes me uncomfortable

when people pour themselves online. But I feel like I have an

important story to tell and I don't know what other format

to tell in. So I am about to do what I don't like.

I have struggled with depression about my whole life but last

year it hit really hard. Harder than any time before. It was

the lowest point of my life so far. I've always wrestled with

depression but the fact that I was also dealing with finding

a job and loneliness. I let negative thoughts control me. This

is a sample of what I wrote in my journal when I hit rock

bottom:

Shame is written all over my face. Every part of me

wants to wither and die. I don't want to live another

day of this sad and pathetic life. I pray to God for

answers but I receive none. Why Lord are you

ignoring my petitions.

I need You more than ever to save me. I'm dying from

the inside out.

I have no more dreams or hopes anymore. They are

all gone.

I was hurting really bad. I wanted to give up. But God didn't

give up on me. I learned from Him that I needed to grateful.

God has given me so much. I never go a day without a meal.

I have supportive family and friends but it wasn't enough.

I was ungrateful. Someone with an ungrateful heart will never

be happy or pleased. I was asking God to change my situation

but I needed to ask Him was to change my heart to a thankful

one. Being thankful literally saved my life.

I thank God everyday now. He is a good God. I have hope

now. I have something to look forward to. There is a reason

why I am alive and it is He.

I know in the Christian community we can oftentimes look down

on melancholy. Christians aren't supposed to be unhappy.

Guess what? Christians suffer from depression and anxiety

too like everyone else.